Category: Deep thoughts

Last night, we were sharing the Attention/Intention/Action in a workshop with some folks who are interested in joining the Weighless Program (many of whom subsequently enrolled–Welcome!!).

Those of you who have been around for a while will recall that we talk about the “6 Exits”; ways in which we tend to exit the behavior change cycle and stop moving forward. If we can identify where we are exiting the cycle, it can help us re-engage with the process in a more strategic way.

This morning, I found myself thinking about Exit #2: Stuck in data gathering mode. (Perhaps because this one is a recurrent issue for me!) And it occured to me that there’s a closely related exit that occurs at more or less the same place in the cycle. Let’s call it Exit 2a: Rumination.

If we are in rumination, we’re no longer gathering information, but we’re not moving foward into intention or action, either. We’re just running through the same thoughts over and over again. These nonproductive thought loops can act as a sort of anesthetic, making us numb to our our actual experience or desires.

Whether these thoughts are helpful or true isn’t even the point. The point is that we’re no longer moving foward. We’re not converting the insights into intentions or actions.

Is rumination (Exit 2a) a place where you may sometimes be exiting the cycle? And if so, can identifying that phenomenon help you re-enter the cycle?

You might find it helpful to imagine snapping a rubber band on your mental “wrist” to break the spell. (Or put an actual rubber band on your actual wrist, if that works better.) Try saying to yourself: That’s enough thinking for now. What’s the next step?

For a long time, I didn’t appreciate the difference between an urge and a desire. I thought they were the same thing. I assumed that the urge to eat or drink or do something meant that I really wanted to eat or drink or do that thing.

But as I’ve been working with my own urges (and yes, I still have to work with my urges), I’ve realized that urges and desires are not the same. Not by a long shot.

An urge can be triggered by totally random things. I see the butter dish out on the counter and I have a sudden urge for a piece of toast. I see an open bottle of wine in the fridge and I have an urge for a glass.

What follows is that familiar (and often unsuccessful) struggle to resist the urge. (Or, if you’re more advanced, to simply allow the urge without responding to it.)

The struggle can be uncomfortable. But some of that discomfort, I realized recently, resides in the belief that I really want or desire that thing.

It turns out (much to my astonishment) that sometimes an urge is just an urge. There’s actually very little authentic desire attached to it. It’s just a passing thought or impulse triggered by something in my internal or external environment. Or purely by habit.

And this has been a game changer for me. If I take a moment to investigate, I sometimes discover that my actual level of desire is pretty low. When that’s the case, and I consciously acknowledge it, moving on from that urge is much easier.

Try it and see what you find. When urges arise, instead of moving immediately into “resisting,” or arguing with yourself about whether or not to give in, take a moment to investigate your actual level of desire.

Do you really want that thing at this moment? Or is it just an urge?

We talk a lot about what we have to gain by becoming someone who weighs less. All the ways that would make our lives better. But it’s also important to explore what we will have to give up.

I’m not (only) talking about giving up behaviors or “bad” habits that we find pleasurable. I’m also talking about aspects of our identity, or things about our current lives that–as much as we may complain about them–we may actually be reluctant to let go of.

Here’s the thing I want you to consider: Your fears or beliefs about what you’d have to give up to become someone who weighs less may be irrational or exagerated. Then again, they may not. But as long as they remain below the surface of your awareness, they have outsized power to sabotage your efforts.

These unacknowledged anxieties may part of the reason that you’re always too “busy” to spend time with the weekly materials. Or the reason that you resist certain practices. The reason that you seem to be spinning your wheels.

So, let’s get these things out in the open, where we can examine them.

What would you miss about your current situation if you succeed in creating a new reality?

As I turned into the parking lot of my local grocery store, I could see that competition for parking spots was intense.

Cars were jockeying for position with their blinkers on, waiting for other shoppers to load their groceries and pull out. Others were circling like sharks, hoping to spot and claim an about-to-be-vacated spot before others could react. I could almost see the cloud of stress and frustration rising over the lot and rolling toward me.

With a feeling of relief, I banked to the right, headed to the furthest corner and pulled into one of dozens of empty spots. I collected my empty grocery bags, locked the car door, and because I happened to be wearing tennis shoes, jogged the 200 yards to the door of the grocery store.

But so what?

Opting out of the parking lot drama definitely reduced my stress level. But, let’s be serious: Will the extra dozen or so calories I burned by jogging in from the corner of the lot make any meaningful difference in terms of my weight? Of course not. But it’s not about the calories I’m burning. It’s about the mindset I’m creating.

Every time I purposefully choose a farther parking spot, or take the stairs, or jog across the street, I subtly reinforce (to myself) my identity as someone who chooses to be active, who makes healthy choices. And that spills over into so many other aspects of my life. Such as which foods went into the grocery cart once inside the store.

What we do, say, and think really does affect how we see ourselves. And how we see ourselves affects what we do, say , and think. It can be a virtuous cycle or a downward spiral.

So, the next time you find yourself questioning whether a tiny thing like parking further away from the door can ever really make a difference, remember that all of these small decisions add up to the person you are becoming. Spiral up, friends.

“I’ve realized that changing my habits doesn’t have to feel comfortable,’ a friend of mine recently wrote.  “It doesn’t have to be fun. it’s just necessary if I want to reap the benefits of healthier habits. And when I can see that discomfort as leading to what I want, it becomes a valued discomfort.”

A valued discomfort.

I’ve been turning that phrase over in my my head all week.

When we experience discomfort, we often take that as a sign that something is wrong. But sometimes discomfort is a sign that we’re doing something right.

What might be possible if you started to distinguish between discomfort that has value and the kind that doesn’t? If you started to welcome (or at least tolerate) the discomfort that’s necessary to create the future you want for yourself? 

What If you got better at choosing your discomfort?

A member of this program (you know who you are) recently posted in the forum that she is doing really well in so many areas (nailing her daily weigh-ins, moving her body more, making healthy food choices) but one area where she struggles is turning to food when she is bored or stressed.

This is a topic that we cover quite a bit in the program and also in the Change Academy podcast (specifically in an episode called Stop Coping So Well) but I had a recent interaction with a close personal friend that I thought may be helpful.

To set the stage, the idea is that we may create (or at least inflate) the feelings that lead us to indulge, or temporarily abandon our goal, out of thin air.

Here is the example I gave:

A friend of mine is doing Dry-January (avoiding alcohol for 31 days) and only 5 days into the month he texted me saying that he “really wanted a drink!” I asked him why. He said, “I just finished a carpentry job in the house and that usually means beer.” I asked him what the project was. And he said (after a long pause), “Well, actually, I just put up two shelves…”

And like that, the craving was gone.

He went on with his day and is still on track with his Dry-January.

The take away from this story is that his brain, looking for a reason to fall back on the old habit, had turned a simple 10-minute job into a “carpentry project” to justify or convince his lower brain to have a beer.

The bigger point is that we do that with other emotions too. Stress, boredom, loneliness, celebration – our sneaky brains blow them up so we have a reason to indulge.

So next time you feel yourself reaching in to your bag of justifications take a minute and consider: am I really that ____________? Or am I inflating this into an excuse (that I will regret later).

Last night, I was with members of our Autumn 2021 cohort for Office Hours. We shared what was working and what we were finding challenging. There were moments full of feeling and there were raucous bursts of laughter. (You know the drill!)

As I looked at the circle of faces on my screen, I was filled with appreciation for these (you!) wonderful human beings: showing up for themselves and for each other, making time and space to push beyond the easy “solutions” (that never really work) and into that less familiar place where actual change happens.

The theme that emerged last night was one that runs through much of the program–how much more effectively we can respond to our needs (and desires) when we take the time to get clear on what we REALLY need (and want).

“See, this is what I HATE about this program,” one of them suddenly burst out. “And what I LOVE about it!

“There are other programs that will just give you the answer to any problem you bring up. Just ‘do this’ or ‘don’t do that’. But you guys always want to look at it more closely, and dissect it and figure out what’s really going on. And that’s what’s ultimately going to make real change happen. I know that’s true–even when I’m frustrated because you won’t just give me an easy answer.”

. . .

There seems to be a moment in every meeting where time momentarily stands still. That moment when I think to myself, “How did I get so lucky to be able to do this for a living?” And this was the one for me last night.

And it’s true: We have no pat solutions, no easy answers, no one-size-fits-all formula. We have a method, a process, tools. We have the magic that happens when people come together to support one another on a shared — yet unique — journey.

And the treasures we discover along the road to weighing less are sometimes nothing short of miraculous.