Category: Deep thoughts

A member of this program (you know who you are) recently posted in the forum that she is doing really well in so many areas (nailing her daily weigh-ins, moving her body more, making healthy food choices) but one area where she struggles is turning to food when she is bored or stressed.

This is a topic that we cover quite a bit in the program and also in the Change Academy podcast (specifically in an episode called Stop Coping So Well) but I had a recent interaction with a close personal friend that I thought may be helpful.

To set the stage, the idea is that we may create (or at least inflate) the feelings that lead us to indulge, or temporarily abandon our goal, out of thin air.

Here is the example I gave:

A friend of mine is doing Dry-January (avoiding alcohol for 31 days) and only 5 days into the month he texted me saying that he “really wanted a drink!” I asked him why. He said, “I just finished a carpentry job in the house and that usually means beer.” I asked him what the project was. And he said (after a long pause), “Well, actually, I just put up two shelves…”

And like that, the craving was gone.

He went on with his day and is still on track with his Dry-January.

The take away from this story is that his brain, looking for a reason to fall back on the old habit, had turned a simple 10-minute job into a “carpentry project” to justify or convince his lower brain to have a beer.

The bigger point is that we do that with other emotions too. Stress, boredom, loneliness, celebration – our sneaky brains blow them up so we have a reason to indulge.

So next time you feel yourself reaching in to your bag of justifications take a minute and consider: am I really that ____________? Or am I inflating this into an excuse (that I will regret later).

Last night, I was with members of our Autumn 2021 cohort for Office Hours. We shared what was working and what we were finding challenging. There were moments full of feeling and there were raucous bursts of laughter. (You know the drill!)

As I looked at the circle of faces on my screen, I was filled with appreciation for these (you!) wonderful human beings: showing up for themselves and for each other, making time and space to push beyond the easy “solutions” (that never really work) and into that less familiar place where actual change happens.

The theme that emerged last night was one that runs through much of the program–how much more effectively we can respond to our needs (and desires) when we take the time to get clear on what we REALLY need (and want).

“See, this is what I HATE about this program,” one of them suddenly burst out. “And what I LOVE about it!

“There are other programs that will just give you the answer to any problem you bring up. Just ‘do this’ or ‘don’t do that’. But you guys always want to look at it more closely, and dissect it and figure out what’s really going on. And that’s what’s ultimately going to make real change happen. I know that’s true–even when I’m frustrated because you won’t just give me an easy answer.”

. . .

There seems to be a moment in every meeting where time momentarily stands still. That moment when I think to myself, “How did I get so lucky to be able to do this for a living?” And this was the one for me last night.

And it’s true: We have no pat solutions, no easy answers, no one-size-fits-all formula. We have a method, a process, tools. We have the magic that happens when people come together to support one another on a shared — yet unique — journey.

And the treasures we discover along the road to weighing less are sometimes nothing short of miraculous.

One of our members recently shared that, despite her success at becoming someone who weighs less, she was feeling a lot of anxiety about backsliding. (She had done this many times in the past.)

Others who are not quite as far along in their journey may be feeling anxious that they might not succeed…because all of their previous attempts had failed.

It makes sense. Our expectations for the future are based on our past experiences. Except that this doesn’t take into account what’s changed.

New tools create new results

Brock offered a great analogy:

“In the past, you were like someone who was given the keys to fly a plane but had never been trained to be a pilot. So of course you struggled. It makes total sense. But now you have read the manual, done the training, and are ready to do some solo flights. Sure, you may still make some mistakes, you will have moments of doubt, but you will not crash the plane.”

Brock then invited her to make a list of all the tools that she had at her disposal the last time she was attempting to maintain a weight loss. She immediately got it.

“There were no tools!  There were just systems that I was either on or off.  So yes, this is different. I need to acknowledge the skill layers I’ve built through Weighless. This is definitely an aha moment and a big confidence builder.”

Letting go of past failures

One way to combat anxiety about the future is to understand–and then let go of–our past failures. We can’t blame our past selves for failing at something we had never been shown how to do. Then, we need to acknowledge the steps we are taking to create a different outcome. This allows us to face the future with confidence.

We may face some turbulence. But we will not crash the plane.

What steps are you taking to create a different outcome? What would make you feel more confident about your future? 

Last night, Brock and I were coaching some folks who are working on impulse control. And more than one of them described times when an urge to eat something felt almost like an addiction. The more they tried to resist, the more overwhelming it felt. Sometimes, giving in–even though they knew they’d have regrets–felt like the only option.

But framing a desire as an addiction can make us feel really powerless. It also shifts all the focus onto the object of our desire, rather than our own thoughts and feelings–which is where the action really is.

Brock suggested that it might be more helpful to think of that part of ourselves as our inner toddler rather than our inner addict.

Deciding to resist an urge or craving can easily trigger a temper tantrum from your inner toddler. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of an actual toddler’s temper tantrum, you know how easy it is to get caught up in that emotional storm–and when you do, you have lost control of the situation.

But if we can step back and access our mature adult brains, we realize two things:

1. We can see that the drama is totally out of proportion to the reality. For the toddler, getting the thing they want literally feels like a matter of life and death. As adults, we can see that it is merely a passing squall. We may even be able to see the humor in the situation, which allows us to respond more gently.
2. We may also be able to see that the toddler needs something–just not the thing they are demanding. Perhaps they need a nap, or a cuddle, or less stimulation, or something more interesting to do. This can turn irritation into compassion and allow us to care for our toddler more effectively.

The next time you find yourself in the grips of a desire or craving, see if you can visualize that inner toddler who truly believes that they cannot live without this thing. Recognize the adorable absurdity of it all.

And then, instead of trying to reason with your screaming toddler, disciplining them, or simply giving in to an unreasonable demand (thereby perpetuating the behavior), see if you can figure out what that little person really needs.

There’s so much to discover and explore on the road to weighing less. (Good thing we give ourselves plenty of time!) And, as people begin to see progress–and especially when they start to get close to their “goal,” they are sometimes surprised to discover that they feel a sense of fear or dread.

Many of us has been trying to solve this problem for years–or decades. So, why on earth would we find ourselves suddenly afraid of suceeding?

There’s not a single answer. But some of the things that others have articulated are:

• fear of backsliding and not being able to maintain their weight loss
• being unsure who they are or how to be in the word without the identity of someone who needs to lose weight
• fearing that people will see them differently and perhaps expect something new or different from them
• fear that it might change their relationships with other people
• dread that once they have solved this “problem,” they’ll be forced to confront other challenges that they had been putting off until they’d lost weight.   

Once we uncover thoughts like these, we can obviously investigate them. But if they remain below our conscious awareness, they can (and do) sabotage our efforts.

So if you find that your progress is kicking up some unexplained nervousness–it’s worth some introspection to discover what might be going on for you. Do any of the above strike a chord?

It’s easy to get discouraged when your goal feels too far away. And that’s why it’s so important to celebrate your incremental progress.

To that end, I have to share this idea that one of the members of the Fall 2020 group shared with us during Office Hours the other day.

When she reached her 5% milestone, Kris bought a beautiful sun-catcher and hung it in the large window of her master bath. When she reached 7.5%, she bought another smaller one and added it to the window. She’s already got her eye on a larger one for when she reaches 10%.

“My plan, when I reach my goal, is to have one custom-made, maybe with a bright red cardinal, for the very center. It’s going to be a while, but I figure I’m not going anywhere, so I’ll just enjoy the periodic additions to my collection.”

How brilliant is this?

Every morning, when she steps into her bathroom to get ready for her day, Kris is greeted by this heart-lifting display, signifying what she’s accomplished and reminding her of her goals for the future. An ongoing, tangible celebration of her decision to be someone who weighs less.

I want you to steal this idea!

Step 1: Think of something that would bring you genuine pleasure–ideally something that you could enjoy in an ongoing way.
Step 2: Head over the forum and tell us how you plan to celebrate your next incremental goal.
Step 3: When you reach that milestone (whatever it is), reward yourself! And post a picture!

A lot of us use food as a coping mechanism. 

We eat to cope with stress, fatigue, boredom, anxiety, anger, grief…did I mention stress?

This might be OK — after all, coping is good, right? Unless all that “coping” is leading to unwanted  consequences. We gain weight or we can’t lose weight…and that is creates stress, fatigue, anxiety, anger, grief. 

Maybe we actually need to do less coping. 

If you stopped using food to “cope,” maybe you’d be compelled to make changes that made your life less stressful, boring, or exhausting. 

And maybe that’s the difference between coping and self-care.

So, here’s a question to consider: Is self-medicating with food allowing you to tolerate things that maybe you shouldn’t be tolerating?

What about your life might you be moved to change if you stopped “coping”?

This was sparked by a great conversation a group of our Spring 2021 members were having in the forum.